i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
