You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need moral support for this bender
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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