Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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