After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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