dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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