is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
