just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
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You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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