I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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