who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
