A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
