sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
