Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
