What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
