Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
