Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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