I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
