i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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