Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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