hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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