Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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