Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
