I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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