When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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