I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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