If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
