I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
