hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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