Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
