Girls should come with a carfax report
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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