from now on my penis is your penis
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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