he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
whose parrot is this?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
