I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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