im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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