i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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