Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
