Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
