i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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