guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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