Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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