Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
