Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
