You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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