One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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