one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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