She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
