I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
