You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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