even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
