My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
