Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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