Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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