She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
