I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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