We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
