Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
