I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
