Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
