Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
