He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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