I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
3pm strippers are depressing
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
