Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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