About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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