Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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