look no pants
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
